Dreaming

They happen for me so rarely that I almost don't believe it was a dream. Or maybe it's just my desire for it to turn into reality that makes me question whether or not I was asleep last night as you wooed me in my head. Everything was so comfortable in that world, but even as it was happening, I knew it wasn't something you'd do. Much like the real last night, we went together to Wal-mart. The difference between the factual and the dream was in our physical contact. While I longed to touch you and reach out gently grazing you in both scenarios, your reaction was completely different. the one I liked better consisted of a hug, as my arms stretched around your belly, that lingered on as we walked, your right arm around my shoulders, left hand readjusting my clasped hands, then holding them in place. It felt so right; so warm; so safe. Why did we have to part? Why'd I have to wake up? And while you'll never know it, the image still resides in my head, and the feeling in my heart.

I'm still not sure if it's you or that image I've fallen in love with. But fallen, I am. And now I sit here left to wonder if the two will ever converge: the you who stands just out of reach, and the you I know will never let go. But safe and warm I long to be. Though the fear of failure and rejection is so real, and the dream only comes in the dark of night, I'm fully aware that I must step out of the artificial comfort I feel now to find something real and lasting. ...But how will you react?

Tonight I want to Cry

Video This is the link to the real video, but I couldn't embed it here.
Lyrics

Have you heard this song? It's seriously how I feel sometimes. And while crying does make things better sometimes, I know it won't make my situation any better. At least not this time, because I only like to cry in the arms of a boy, and right now I don't have a boyfriend's arms to run to. I'm sure it's hard to understand, but it's hard for me to find boyfriends. I don't know if I'm too picky, or too fearful of getting hurt that I won't let anyone in...but this will probably be a painful blog. This will probably be a place where I air my grievances--I'm not sure. We'll see what it turns into...I can't make any promises right now. I just want to say that I hope anyone who visits will feel comfortable leaving me comments, because I need all the advice I can get. (Please be kind to those who do comment because this should be a safe space. We are all in pain at some point in time--and that's when we need encouragement and constructive comments.) And I hope that maybe someone will find some comfort in knowing that they aren't alone in their suffering, because Life really Is all about Emotions, and without feeling the sad feelings, it would be rare to really fine the happy ones. I lived many years trying to avoid the drama and pain, but it is only now that I realize that is all necessary in life. There are no guarantees, and we have to take chances anyway. You gotta put yourself out there in order to truly find yourself. I hope you do that. But I also hope you know that it's okay to cry. Let it out.

Desperation

Hating the desperation I feel
as i wait for you to notice me
sitting by the phone
is something I never wanted to do
but now i find myself here

Common Courtesy

How do you feel about "common courtesy"? Do you think it is important to learn? Is it an outdated practice? Do you even know what it is? How would you have reacted in this situation:
You go to the movies with a large group of friends, and take up almost a whole row of seats in the theater. Then, as more friends show up, you all scoot over--closer to the far end of the row, where a lady and her husband are seated by the aisle. Finally, there is just one seat between your group and the lady. Needing just one more seat to fit your whole group, you ask the lady if she is saving it, or if you can use that last seat. She replies: "Um, my purse is on it." (In an unkind tone of voice.)
(Please leave answer in comments) A--You assume she is saving the seat for someone (even though no one showed up.) B--Smile big and ask if her purse bought a ticket C--Decide to just put up the arm rests and squish the extra person into the seats D--Stare at her in shocked annoyance, then procede to throw popcorn at them throughout the film. E--Other (explained in comments)

Boyfriend?

"So, there's this guy..." Isn't that how all good relationship questions begin? Well, there is. And I'm not really sure what to do about him. I can usually tell when someone likes me, but this particular John Doe is dificult. He helps me any time I need and takes good care of my car, but I'm pretty sure he does that with everyone. He also opens doors for me, and walks me to my car at the end of a night of hanging out--both things I've never seen him do for anyone else...but I dont know if he does it just because I told him to way back when I met him. If I make the effort, we'd see each other several times a week, but when I wait for his call, it seldom comes. So, here's my question: Does he like me? Or am I just vain?

Desperation

I hate how attached I get while you remain so distant.
And how much I need you to answer your phone, when you feel no need to leave a message.
I'm getting so dependent on you, I've tied my happiness into yours.
And while I'm amazed by your independence, I'm also trying to steal it
Maybe it's because I'm jealous. Maybe it's because I'm afraid you will leave me.
and I'll become once again the transition friend.
The one so eager to please she introduces you to everyone she knows.
the one so easily forgotten when you get situated in your new life.
The one so listlessly sitting alone in the corner,
where no one notices her tears, where she hides until they dry,
and then comes out with the fake smile plastered on.
A fake smile she's mastered and everyone thinks it's real.

I guess if you forgot me, it wouldn't be so bad.
I've gotten through the loneliness before.
I've spent nights crying in my pillow,
longing to feel your arms around me.
I just wish you hadn't promised me otherwise.
I wish I would have been prepared for it this time.
It's my own fault. I push people away as soon as they get too close.
I run from the loss of my freedom, and the expectations of others.
I try to walk the line between emotional extremes,
sacrificing the happiness to avoid the sadness
but this time i fell into the illusion of love.
The bliss I saw in your eyes, and felt as you protected me from danger.
the comfort I felt in your arms, and in all the skills you offered.

Just Trying to Wink

Dearest JTW,
In my struggle to be unique, I find myself falling to the weaknesses within. Knowing everyone has their expectations; their thoughts for your life; their judgements and delusions, even though they've never experienced what you've been through. I want to tell you about how impressed I've been by what I've seen, but with all the fans running constantly toward you, it's hard to stand out. If I stand back I go unnoticed, but running would blend me into them. "Them" being everything I've worked so hard to avoid. I've given up so many opportunities in life fearing to annoy you as "they" annoy me. Naturally I am not one who'll stand out in a crowd. My personality is one that must be looked for to be appreciated, because if no one looks, I fall through the cracks, and hide in the background. So, where is the median between obsession and oblivion? How do I make you see me, in the sea of faces? When will you notice that my devotion is to the true you, and not the character the rest of them seek? I've adored you from a distance, because the perfect moment for the prince to meet the peasant only comes in movies, it never happens in real life.
Waiting for your attention,
Just One In The Million