Make it stop

I wonder how you make yourself stop caring for someone...Like, I still want to check on you...but it's obvious you don't want it...So what do I do? I am so not good at being mean to people, but at the same time I know that if we did talk, I'd have a hard time being nice to you because there is so much hostility and anger and pain between us.

It's funny because I was fine as long as I didn't think about you...but then when I do, I can't stop. I'm obsessed. It's bad. Ever since I got that call, it seems like this is my thought process: 

1:00  get call that you aren't ok*
1:04  I get the pang of desire to call you and tell you I care
1:07  tell myself that is inappropriate because you don't care what I think
1:10  try to convince myself that (based on the past) calling you = bad idea
1:33  think that I should call you because you desirve someone on your side
1:35  remember how upset I am with you
1:38  I don't want you to think I'll keep running to you after your disrespect
1:40  recommit myself to resist calling you

That lasts for about 3.7 minutes, then one of two things happens:  I get distracted doing whatever I was supposed to be doing when this whole process started; or I give in and actually call you, but you ignore my call after 2 rings and then never call back--this only happens every once in a while, but either way it only takes 10 or 15 or 20 minutes before I start the whole process again. What's wrong with me?

Seriously, though, what's wrong with me?



*obviously this one doesn't happen every hour...

Voicemail

I got a voicemail message from his relative saying he isnt doing well.
I got a message asking that I call him.
And once again I want to cry.
I asked a friend who said "he was in the hospital."
How is it that 2 days ago I saw him at a party and separately we survived,
But last night I get a call and I long to run to his aid?
Iwish it could be simple.
I wish I knew my next step.
I don't know what to do...
Where is the line that prevents both heartlessness and heartbrake?

Definition needed

How does one define "dating"? Who get's to make that definition?

I'm not sure if driving in my car with the radio off has been a good idea. It's allowed my mind to wonder through some crazy half-thoughts; connecting dots that have long been waiting to finally link two common themes, and creating new bridges between things that probably don't relate at all.

While driving tonight I came to a startling realization. I've recently mention "dating" someone in communication with friends and family, knowing that it is too early to actually use that term, but unsure what to call it when we've been out on 2 dates, and that could potentially be more...I've simply accepted the offered title. But, for whatever reason tonight I asked myself if we are actually dating. Because we have been out a couple times, as mentioned before, and we enjoyed ourselves (at least I did). And we will probably go out again.

But does that constitute dating? And if so, maybe I've been "dating" several people...

I mean, whatever it is that we are doing, I've definitely done more with the last jerk guy I told everyone I wasn't dating. We never kissed or really even held hands (both of which I consider very important in a relationship), but we were very much comfortable with each other I was very comfortable with him, so there was no awkward personal space bubble that couldn't be invaded; we were pretty much always together; people thought we were dating; I assumed we'd be friends for pretty much the rest of our lives. I was often fairly excited to receive his calls (obviously that was back before I started almost calling him a jerk--see above. And yes, I do take some responsibility for our lack of communication now, but that's a different story). I was definitely more drawn to him than I am to this current guy (again, I admit that this is my fault again, because I am apparently not gifted in the patience department, so I lose interest quickly when there is nothing happening).

The possible definitions I came up with for defining a dating relationship are:

1- Participation in dates

2- Expectation of longterm relationship

3- Intimacy (physical, emotional, comfort level)

4- Simple decision made by those involved

So all these random thoughts came pouring into my conscious as I drove along Route 66 tonight. And then a thought struck me: Was I dating Jerk (I guess I'll call him that now, just to keep things kinda easy)? Was I lying to everyone, including myself about this? Is that why I am so upset with the current lack of friendship between us? I'd been telling myself it was because I considered him one of my best friends, and I felt betrayed, but is it actually that am I really just jealous? Because that would change everything. While I thought I was rightfully upset, maybe it's all my fault and I'm overreacting. That would make me very sad.

Just A Dream

Here is the music Video and Lyrics. Such a sad song. The happiness desired so much, stolen away without warning; without reason. And you wish it was all just a bad dream because maybe then you will wake up in his arms, and he can tell you that everything is okay...but it's not.

Take a Bow by Rihanna

A great song for when you are trying to be strong, even though you are in so much pain at the loss...It's always hard when you reach the point where you can't take anymore, even though you aren't nececssarily ready to let go. What else can you do, except offer a round of applause, because you realize he was so convincing he had you fooled so that even though you already knew better, you still wanted to believe him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8XC7idFyvE

Silence

I don’t know what to do. It’s been so long that we haven’t talked, and now you don’t even call, you just send a text message. Don’t you know how much it kills me to leave things up in the air like this? I’m doing it because I thought we’d try handling the drama your way…but apparently you don’t want that. Or maybe your way is just not to be friends…And it hurts me. But I’m determined not to be the one to call you. I don’t want to be that girl who keeps coming running back to you, even though you mistreat her. I don’t want you to think that’s okay behavior. …Even though it doesn’t ease the pain I feel at the silence between us. I’m so used to talking to you every day. I’m so used to depending on you. I’m so used to you needing me. But now I feel like you never really needed me—you were just using me; because if we were friends you would have wondered where I’ve been. If we were friends you would have called even though you didn’t need anything, just talk to me. Friends don’t behave this way, or haven’t you learned that yet? I thought you had because we’ve had this argument before. Apparently you didn’t care at all. Apparently you didn’t need me so much as you needed someone. And I’m sad I wasn’t more important than that, because I know I’m special. I know I deserve better. And someday you will know that too. Sadly, I probably won’t be around then to benefit from your finally figuring that out. I’m sad I won’t be able to benefit from your understanding, but glad won’t have to suffer this pain until then. I’m hurt. And I long to pick up the phone and call you because you’re where I used to run for comfort. I long to have everything back to how it was when we were friends—the best of friends…but things can’t go back. They can never go back.
Because your text today didn’t say anything about how you missed me, or how you’re sorry you hurt me. It just asked for something you asked me to hold for you. It just demanded that I meet your time schedule. It told me how little I, the person, matter to you, and how much I am just the object you used. Just here for your convenience whenever you feel the whim to do something.
…Don’t you understand what’s going on? Can’t you see that in my silence resides my pain? I don’t have the energy to fight with you. I shouldn’t have given you this much power over me. I thought you’d appreciate the fact that someone trusts you. I thought you’d appreciate that someone wants you around. I thought you’d see how much you mean to me…but I guess not, and now I guess it’s my fault for putting all of me on your line. It’s my fault for expecting so much from you. I should have made you earn it. I’ve made that mistake twice now. It won’t happen again.

Tonight I want to Cry

Video This is the link to the real video, but I couldn't embed it here.
Lyrics

Have you heard this song? It's seriously how I feel sometimes. And while crying does make things better sometimes, I know it won't make my situation any better. At least not this time, because I only like to cry in the arms of a boy, and right now I don't have a boyfriend's arms to run to. I'm sure it's hard to understand, but it's hard for me to find boyfriends. I don't know if I'm too picky, or too fearful of getting hurt that I won't let anyone in...but this will probably be a painful blog. This will probably be a place where I air my grievances--I'm not sure. We'll see what it turns into...I can't make any promises right now. I just want to say that I hope anyone who visits will feel comfortable leaving me comments, because I need all the advice I can get. (Please be kind to those who do comment because this should be a safe space. We are all in pain at some point in time--and that's when we need encouragement and constructive comments.) And I hope that maybe someone will find some comfort in knowing that they aren't alone in their suffering, because Life really Is all about Emotions, and without feeling the sad feelings, it would be rare to really fine the happy ones. I lived many years trying to avoid the drama and pain, but it is only now that I realize that is all necessary in life. There are no guarantees, and we have to take chances anyway. You gotta put yourself out there in order to truly find yourself. I hope you do that. But I also hope you know that it's okay to cry. Let it out.