Anyway, let me walk you through the process of an every day activity, which I mentally turn into a devastating tragedy, causing myself to break down into tears:
1- Decide to be a real adult and get to work on time for a change. Walk out of house almost completely ready for the day.
2- Open car door and notice that the rubber strip is falling off car door.
3- Get in car as I remember that rubber strip fell off other car door, but was successfully reattached.
4- Close car door and remember that Chris fixed other rubber strip.
5- Start engine, remembering that I am no longer talking to Chris.
6- Think that I should call Chris because it's been a long time and maybe we can be friends again.
7- Remember that the last time I called him, I went to his voice mail after only 2 rings, which obviously means that he ignored my call.
8- Think about calling him again but remember that he never called me back even though I left a message.
9- Resolve not to be "that girl" who keeps calling when it is obvious that she is not wanted. Start driving to work.
10- Get half way there and remember that rubber strip is still falling off. Think about calling Chris.
11- Decide not to call Chris.
12- Obsess about wanting to call Chris but knowing it is a bad idea. Realize (once again) that I really do miss him. (A lot.)
13- Realize that tears are collecting and poised to attack, so it is necessary to pull over and park car.
14- Have a 10 minute crying fit as I wait for tears to realize that they have in fact won the battle, so they can stop attacking.
15- Try to pull myself together and finish driving to work only to arrive at work late, with make-up streaked down my face.
16- Remember that I still can't call the person I normally would run to for comfort.
17- Cry again.
This can happen with anything that reminds me of how much I used to depend on him, and how much I absolutely cannot call him, no matter how much I want to because I will just be "that girl" and I hate "that girl" but now I totally understand why "those girls" act the way they do.
Some other things that have triggered and then fairly similarly followed the above process:
---> A stressful day
---> Washing my car
---> Road trips
---> Paying for an Oil Change for the car
---> Pretty much anything for car
---> Hospitals
---> Having questions about when we did something
---> Questions about military alphabet words (alpha, beta, cat...)
---> Self defense
---> People asking me how he is
---> The sporting section at Wal-Mart
---> Feeling the need to be destructive
---> MySpace
---> Food
---> Church events
---> Phone calls from his dad
---> Bonsai
---> Heavy boxes
Update: I realized that 30 steps was way too many to make you guys read, so I shortened it to 17. Feel better about reading that? I hope so.
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