Voicemail

I got a voicemail message from his relative saying he isnt doing well.
I got a message asking that I call him.
And once again I want to cry.
I asked a friend who said "he was in the hospital."
How is it that 2 days ago I saw him at a party and separately we survived,
But last night I get a call and I long to run to his aid?
Iwish it could be simple.
I wish I knew my next step.
I don't know what to do...
Where is the line that prevents both heartlessness and heartbrake?

How I think random thoughts and end up crying

Apparently I overreact to a lot of things. Deal with it. At least, that's what people tell me to do.

Anyway, let me walk you through the process of an every day activity, which I mentally turn into a devastating tragedy, causing myself to break down into tears:

1- Decide to be a real adult and get to work on time for a change. Walk out of house almost completely ready for the day.

2- Open car door and notice that the rubber strip is falling off car door.

3- Get in car as I remember that rubber strip fell off other car door, but was successfully reattached.

4- Close car door and remember that Chris fixed other rubber strip.

5- Start engine, remembering that I am no longer talking to Chris.

6- Think that I should call Chris because it's been a long time and maybe we can be friends again.

7- Remember that the last time I called him, I went to his voice mail after only 2 rings, which obviously means that he ignored my call.

8- Think about calling him again but remember that he never called me back even though I left a message.

9- Resolve not to be "that girl" who keeps calling when it is obvious that she is not wanted. Start driving to work.

10- Get half way there and remember that rubber strip is still falling off. Think about calling Chris.

11- Decide not to call Chris.

12- Obsess about wanting to call Chris but knowing it is a bad idea. Realize (once again) that I really do miss him. (A lot.)

13- Realize that tears are collecting and poised to attack, so it is necessary to pull over and park car.

14- Have a 10 minute crying fit as I wait for tears to realize that they have in fact won the battle, so they can stop attacking.

15- Try to pull myself together and finish driving to work only to arrive at work late, with make-up streaked down my face.

16- Remember that I still can't call the person I normally would run to for comfort.

17- Cry again.

This can happen with anything that reminds me of how much I used to depend on him, and how much I absolutely cannot call him, no matter how much I want to because I will just be "that girl" and I hate "that girl" but now I totally understand why "those girls" act the way they do.

Some other things that have triggered and then fairly similarly followed the above process:

---> A stressful day

---> Washing my car

---> Road trips

---> Paying for an Oil Change for the car

---> Pretty much anything for car

---> Hospitals

---> Having questions about when we did something

---> Questions about military alphabet words (alpha, beta, cat...)

---> Self defense

---> People asking me how he is

---> The sporting section at Wal-Mart

---> Feeling the need to be destructive

---> MySpace

---> Food

---> Church events

---> Phone calls from his dad

---> Bonsai

---> Heavy boxes

Update: I realized that 30 steps was way too many to make you guys read, so I shortened it to 17. Feel better about reading that? I hope so.