Make it stop

I wonder how you make yourself stop caring for someone...Like, I still want to check on you...but it's obvious you don't want it...So what do I do? I am so not good at being mean to people, but at the same time I know that if we did talk, I'd have a hard time being nice to you because there is so much hostility and anger and pain between us.

It's funny because I was fine as long as I didn't think about you...but then when I do, I can't stop. I'm obsessed. It's bad. Ever since I got that call, it seems like this is my thought process: 

1:00  get call that you aren't ok*
1:04  I get the pang of desire to call you and tell you I care
1:07  tell myself that is inappropriate because you don't care what I think
1:10  try to convince myself that (based on the past) calling you = bad idea
1:33  think that I should call you because you desirve someone on your side
1:35  remember how upset I am with you
1:38  I don't want you to think I'll keep running to you after your disrespect
1:40  recommit myself to resist calling you

That lasts for about 3.7 minutes, then one of two things happens:  I get distracted doing whatever I was supposed to be doing when this whole process started; or I give in and actually call you, but you ignore my call after 2 rings and then never call back--this only happens every once in a while, but either way it only takes 10 or 15 or 20 minutes before I start the whole process again. What's wrong with me?

Seriously, though, what's wrong with me?



*obviously this one doesn't happen every hour...

How I think random thoughts and end up crying

Apparently I overreact to a lot of things. Deal with it. At least, that's what people tell me to do.

Anyway, let me walk you through the process of an every day activity, which I mentally turn into a devastating tragedy, causing myself to break down into tears:

1- Decide to be a real adult and get to work on time for a change. Walk out of house almost completely ready for the day.

2- Open car door and notice that the rubber strip is falling off car door.

3- Get in car as I remember that rubber strip fell off other car door, but was successfully reattached.

4- Close car door and remember that Chris fixed other rubber strip.

5- Start engine, remembering that I am no longer talking to Chris.

6- Think that I should call Chris because it's been a long time and maybe we can be friends again.

7- Remember that the last time I called him, I went to his voice mail after only 2 rings, which obviously means that he ignored my call.

8- Think about calling him again but remember that he never called me back even though I left a message.

9- Resolve not to be "that girl" who keeps calling when it is obvious that she is not wanted. Start driving to work.

10- Get half way there and remember that rubber strip is still falling off. Think about calling Chris.

11- Decide not to call Chris.

12- Obsess about wanting to call Chris but knowing it is a bad idea. Realize (once again) that I really do miss him. (A lot.)

13- Realize that tears are collecting and poised to attack, so it is necessary to pull over and park car.

14- Have a 10 minute crying fit as I wait for tears to realize that they have in fact won the battle, so they can stop attacking.

15- Try to pull myself together and finish driving to work only to arrive at work late, with make-up streaked down my face.

16- Remember that I still can't call the person I normally would run to for comfort.

17- Cry again.

This can happen with anything that reminds me of how much I used to depend on him, and how much I absolutely cannot call him, no matter how much I want to because I will just be "that girl" and I hate "that girl" but now I totally understand why "those girls" act the way they do.

Some other things that have triggered and then fairly similarly followed the above process:

---> A stressful day

---> Washing my car

---> Road trips

---> Paying for an Oil Change for the car

---> Pretty much anything for car

---> Hospitals

---> Having questions about when we did something

---> Questions about military alphabet words (alpha, beta, cat...)

---> Self defense

---> People asking me how he is

---> The sporting section at Wal-Mart

---> Feeling the need to be destructive

---> MySpace

---> Food

---> Church events

---> Phone calls from his dad

---> Bonsai

---> Heavy boxes

Update: I realized that 30 steps was way too many to make you guys read, so I shortened it to 17. Feel better about reading that? I hope so.