Silence

I don’t know what to do. It’s been so long that we haven’t talked, and now you don’t even call, you just send a text message. Don’t you know how much it kills me to leave things up in the air like this? I’m doing it because I thought we’d try handling the drama your way…but apparently you don’t want that. Or maybe your way is just not to be friends…And it hurts me. But I’m determined not to be the one to call you. I don’t want to be that girl who keeps coming running back to you, even though you mistreat her. I don’t want you to think that’s okay behavior. …Even though it doesn’t ease the pain I feel at the silence between us. I’m so used to talking to you every day. I’m so used to depending on you. I’m so used to you needing me. But now I feel like you never really needed me—you were just using me; because if we were friends you would have wondered where I’ve been. If we were friends you would have called even though you didn’t need anything, just talk to me. Friends don’t behave this way, or haven’t you learned that yet? I thought you had because we’ve had this argument before. Apparently you didn’t care at all. Apparently you didn’t need me so much as you needed someone. And I’m sad I wasn’t more important than that, because I know I’m special. I know I deserve better. And someday you will know that too. Sadly, I probably won’t be around then to benefit from your finally figuring that out. I’m sad I won’t be able to benefit from your understanding, but glad won’t have to suffer this pain until then. I’m hurt. And I long to pick up the phone and call you because you’re where I used to run for comfort. I long to have everything back to how it was when we were friends—the best of friends…but things can’t go back. They can never go back.
Because your text today didn’t say anything about how you missed me, or how you’re sorry you hurt me. It just asked for something you asked me to hold for you. It just demanded that I meet your time schedule. It told me how little I, the person, matter to you, and how much I am just the object you used. Just here for your convenience whenever you feel the whim to do something.
…Don’t you understand what’s going on? Can’t you see that in my silence resides my pain? I don’t have the energy to fight with you. I shouldn’t have given you this much power over me. I thought you’d appreciate the fact that someone trusts you. I thought you’d appreciate that someone wants you around. I thought you’d see how much you mean to me…but I guess not, and now I guess it’s my fault for putting all of me on your line. It’s my fault for expecting so much from you. I should have made you earn it. I’ve made that mistake twice now. It won’t happen again.