Make it stop

I wonder how you make yourself stop caring for someone...Like, I still want to check on you...but it's obvious you don't want it...So what do I do? I am so not good at being mean to people, but at the same time I know that if we did talk, I'd have a hard time being nice to you because there is so much hostility and anger and pain between us.

It's funny because I was fine as long as I didn't think about you...but then when I do, I can't stop. I'm obsessed. It's bad. Ever since I got that call, it seems like this is my thought process: 

1:00  get call that you aren't ok*
1:04  I get the pang of desire to call you and tell you I care
1:07  tell myself that is inappropriate because you don't care what I think
1:10  try to convince myself that (based on the past) calling you = bad idea
1:33  think that I should call you because you desirve someone on your side
1:35  remember how upset I am with you
1:38  I don't want you to think I'll keep running to you after your disrespect
1:40  recommit myself to resist calling you

That lasts for about 3.7 minutes, then one of two things happens:  I get distracted doing whatever I was supposed to be doing when this whole process started; or I give in and actually call you, but you ignore my call after 2 rings and then never call back--this only happens every once in a while, but either way it only takes 10 or 15 or 20 minutes before I start the whole process again. What's wrong with me?

Seriously, though, what's wrong with me?



*obviously this one doesn't happen every hour...

Voicemail

I got a voicemail message from his relative saying he isnt doing well.
I got a message asking that I call him.
And once again I want to cry.
I asked a friend who said "he was in the hospital."
How is it that 2 days ago I saw him at a party and separately we survived,
But last night I get a call and I long to run to his aid?
Iwish it could be simple.
I wish I knew my next step.
I don't know what to do...
Where is the line that prevents both heartlessness and heartbrake?

How I think random thoughts and end up crying

Apparently I overreact to a lot of things. Deal with it. At least, that's what people tell me to do.

Anyway, let me walk you through the process of an every day activity, which I mentally turn into a devastating tragedy, causing myself to break down into tears:

1- Decide to be a real adult and get to work on time for a change. Walk out of house almost completely ready for the day.

2- Open car door and notice that the rubber strip is falling off car door.

3- Get in car as I remember that rubber strip fell off other car door, but was successfully reattached.

4- Close car door and remember that Chris fixed other rubber strip.

5- Start engine, remembering that I am no longer talking to Chris.

6- Think that I should call Chris because it's been a long time and maybe we can be friends again.

7- Remember that the last time I called him, I went to his voice mail after only 2 rings, which obviously means that he ignored my call.

8- Think about calling him again but remember that he never called me back even though I left a message.

9- Resolve not to be "that girl" who keeps calling when it is obvious that she is not wanted. Start driving to work.

10- Get half way there and remember that rubber strip is still falling off. Think about calling Chris.

11- Decide not to call Chris.

12- Obsess about wanting to call Chris but knowing it is a bad idea. Realize (once again) that I really do miss him. (A lot.)

13- Realize that tears are collecting and poised to attack, so it is necessary to pull over and park car.

14- Have a 10 minute crying fit as I wait for tears to realize that they have in fact won the battle, so they can stop attacking.

15- Try to pull myself together and finish driving to work only to arrive at work late, with make-up streaked down my face.

16- Remember that I still can't call the person I normally would run to for comfort.

17- Cry again.

This can happen with anything that reminds me of how much I used to depend on him, and how much I absolutely cannot call him, no matter how much I want to because I will just be "that girl" and I hate "that girl" but now I totally understand why "those girls" act the way they do.

Some other things that have triggered and then fairly similarly followed the above process:

---> A stressful day

---> Washing my car

---> Road trips

---> Paying for an Oil Change for the car

---> Pretty much anything for car

---> Hospitals

---> Having questions about when we did something

---> Questions about military alphabet words (alpha, beta, cat...)

---> Self defense

---> People asking me how he is

---> The sporting section at Wal-Mart

---> Feeling the need to be destructive

---> MySpace

---> Food

---> Church events

---> Phone calls from his dad

---> Bonsai

---> Heavy boxes

Update: I realized that 30 steps was way too many to make you guys read, so I shortened it to 17. Feel better about reading that? I hope so.

Definition needed

How does one define "dating"? Who get's to make that definition?

I'm not sure if driving in my car with the radio off has been a good idea. It's allowed my mind to wonder through some crazy half-thoughts; connecting dots that have long been waiting to finally link two common themes, and creating new bridges between things that probably don't relate at all.

While driving tonight I came to a startling realization. I've recently mention "dating" someone in communication with friends and family, knowing that it is too early to actually use that term, but unsure what to call it when we've been out on 2 dates, and that could potentially be more...I've simply accepted the offered title. But, for whatever reason tonight I asked myself if we are actually dating. Because we have been out a couple times, as mentioned before, and we enjoyed ourselves (at least I did). And we will probably go out again.

But does that constitute dating? And if so, maybe I've been "dating" several people...

I mean, whatever it is that we are doing, I've definitely done more with the last jerk guy I told everyone I wasn't dating. We never kissed or really even held hands (both of which I consider very important in a relationship), but we were very much comfortable with each other I was very comfortable with him, so there was no awkward personal space bubble that couldn't be invaded; we were pretty much always together; people thought we were dating; I assumed we'd be friends for pretty much the rest of our lives. I was often fairly excited to receive his calls (obviously that was back before I started almost calling him a jerk--see above. And yes, I do take some responsibility for our lack of communication now, but that's a different story). I was definitely more drawn to him than I am to this current guy (again, I admit that this is my fault again, because I am apparently not gifted in the patience department, so I lose interest quickly when there is nothing happening).

The possible definitions I came up with for defining a dating relationship are:

1- Participation in dates

2- Expectation of longterm relationship

3- Intimacy (physical, emotional, comfort level)

4- Simple decision made by those involved

So all these random thoughts came pouring into my conscious as I drove along Route 66 tonight. And then a thought struck me: Was I dating Jerk (I guess I'll call him that now, just to keep things kinda easy)? Was I lying to everyone, including myself about this? Is that why I am so upset with the current lack of friendship between us? I'd been telling myself it was because I considered him one of my best friends, and I felt betrayed, but is it actually that am I really just jealous? Because that would change everything. While I thought I was rightfully upset, maybe it's all my fault and I'm overreacting. That would make me very sad.

True fact

Regarding my number 1 rule

Ok. Here is my commitment: I will initiate no contact. I will resist responding to his contact. I will stay busy so as to avoid thinking about him. I will allow myself to find that relationship I thought was unique with other people--I will not allow myself to become that dependent on one person again. I will be sociability nice, but distant. I will be mature.

It's so sad that I cant stay away from you. It's so hard to feel this need to be held, and know that the one person I could turn to, is also the one person I am trying to avoid. I want to run to you, and I keep trying...but I'm too stubborn to say I need you, and not strong enough to turn away. Instead I just make it worse by contacting you incessantly. I need to stop. I'm trying to stop.

The Great Debate

I can accept that you have a girlfriend, and I can accept that it is not me. But in order for that to happen, you have to tell me about her. I could even accpet her telling you not to be friends with me. It would suck, but I can accept us not being friends because we havent really been friends in quite a while. What I cannot accpet is you letting her talk badly of me. What I cannot accept is you treating me like your backup plan. If you would rather spend time with her, say that instead of making up some bull shit story about being busy and tired. And don't call me when she backs out on you because I am not just going to sit around and wait for you. ...except that I probably will, because so far that's all I have done. Wait for you to pull your head out of your ass and see things as I see them. I am trying to act like a grown up and remain friends, but maybe the more grown up thing to do is to cut off all contact with a relationship that is toxic.

Dear Lover,

I've got a lot that I would like to say.
Its hard to write down all I have down deep within my mind.
How to write these wordless thoughts
that all blend and then conflict?

I miss you--I'm sure it sounds odd when you're here with me.
It's more the memory of who together we used to be.
Please tell me, how'd we get
to where I now long to be?

Every day I did my best to meet your every need, my dear love
At the time I thought that that would be enough for you.

Dear Lover, All I have left now it is just a shell
I've lost now, everything I once had to give to you.
It's no shock you wouldn't want this empty case
That once housed the one you hugged.
That girl you helped me be
Is long gone now, 'cause you see
You've stopped lifting me

Every day I did my best to meet your every need, my dear love
At the time I thought that that would be enough for you.
Every day I did my best to meet your every need, my dear love
At the time I thought that that would be enough for you.

Gave you all I had
Now there's nothing left
I hope you understand
It's not my fault--It's yours.

Another verse?
I loved when, the two of us were comfortable-all curled up on the couch where no one disturbed us. The time when I trusted you and all you promised me, and you wanted me enough to send those roses.
Signed: Sincerely, me

Us?

You want it to be like it was. You want us to be like we were. But unfortunately I don't know how to do that. I don't really know how we got there in the first place. I don't have many close friends--you've probably noticed that...well, maybe you actually haven't, but I'm one of those mentally unstable people with insecurities and delusions of paranoia and conspiracy. For whatever reason I didn't have that towards you before. ...Now that's all I can think about when I think of you. I thought I was special to you, and I tried my hardest to be there for you in everything you needed. ...but now all I can think is that I'm not that special to you. And I can't forget that. I can't act like nothing happened. And I think the hardest thing to get over is the fact that you don't seem to realize that I have the right to be upset about this. I got over it once. I picked up our friendship where it left off after you picked someone else over me. I asked nothing of you. but when it started happening again I told you my fears, and you told me i was over reacting...but you still failed to call me. You had her back in your life, so why would you need me? You told me I was wrong, but your actions said differently. You didn't validate my feelings and I'm not sure that's something i can get over. so what happens now? ...I'll miss you, and it'll be very hard...but i think i have to ignore you and move on. I'm so bad at that, and it will hurt bad; but this hurts too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowper

Immature

I'm making stupid choices I thought I'd outgrown. I'm too old to be doing these things, so why am I doing it? ...partly a lack of personal effort in edification...partly a need to feel accepted and wanted...partly a desire to be young and carefree...partly-I don't know--a lack of feeling because I've already been numbed by the other pains.
I know that I shouldn't want to but I no longer know why/want to avoid it....and my only excuse to avoid the situation is a selfish desire to avoid the physical consequences, although even that is not much motivation.
If self control is a muscle, mine has been stretched and strained to the point that I can no longer use it. So what can I do to avoid stupid mistakes? Correct them?
And what if it's too late?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She went her unremembering way,
She went and left in me
The pang of all the partings gone,
And partings yet to be.
~Francis Thompson

Walk the Line

I've never been good at finding the line...Such is the case here. I feel wronged and I feel it should be corrected but am I incorrect? should I appologize and risk being wronged again? Or hold a grudge and risk becoming bitter?
How do you know if a relationship is worth being fixed vs. one that is abusing and toxic and needs to be terminated?

Maybe you are intentionally screwing me over, but maybe you are just reacting to my withdrawl from the situation. ...so what do I do?

And mybe I am just jealous...so what happens now? I don't know how to take a step backward...So I guess we aren't friends. And that is devistating. I loved how accepting you were, and I'm going to miss it. But I can't function if I always have to think "What's she got that I don't?" "Why aren't I good enough?" I don't want to be second place, and I can't watch from the sidelines, just waiting foryou to notice me, then go running into your arms.
...and I have a secret I can't trust you with, so how can I cry in your arms without explaining why? I can't.
I don't know how to fix this but I don't know where else to turn

Can you keep a secret?

I've never told anyone this. I'm not sure this will make it to the published blog world, because I'll probably delete it before it gets past the draft state, but I've always seen myself with a tragic love story. A man who's divorced, or me deathly ill in the hospital when we meet...something like that.

Just A Dream

Here is the music Video and Lyrics. Such a sad song. The happiness desired so much, stolen away without warning; without reason. And you wish it was all just a bad dream because maybe then you will wake up in his arms, and he can tell you that everything is okay...but it's not.

Dear Jamie...

I heard this song on a CD I borrowed (ok, so I just took it.) from my sister. I've been on a weird kick for like a year now. I really like this one, and how simple it is, and yet there's obviously been a lot of thought put into it. And it doesnt really say anything, and yet it says everything. You probably don't know this, but I'm a huge fan of questions. They can answer so much, without actually saying anything.



Dear Jamie, I've got a letter I would like to send...I have a few of those letters. Written, sealed, and sometimes stamped, but still unsent because I don't trust all the things HelloGoodbye questions. And usually that's enough. I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head, even though they go unheard.
...Although I'd really like to send them to you. I want you to know what's going on...but I don't know how to tell you, and I don't know how you'd take it. I dont seem to know anything about you any more...
And that hurts so bad.

My Place

I need to know my place in life, and how I fit in yours.
I need to know what you need, so I can fill the void.
Without this I feel confused. I freak out.
Because who I am, is who you need me to be.
And if you no longer need me, I don't know who to be.

There's a conversation we need to have, but I'm too scared to start it
Because it could begin the end of all you are to me.
I cant live without you--I don't even want to try.
But I cant stand here, while you walk away from me.
And so I'll turn and run away, to see if you miss me.

Take a Bow by Rihanna

A great song for when you are trying to be strong, even though you are in so much pain at the loss...It's always hard when you reach the point where you can't take anymore, even though you aren't nececssarily ready to let go. What else can you do, except offer a round of applause, because you realize he was so convincing he had you fooled so that even though you already knew better, you still wanted to believe him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8XC7idFyvE

Not Sorry

I'm sorry, but you made your choice, and apparently we weren't as good of friends as I thought we were--as I wanted us to be. You know what? I take that back--I'm not sorry. I did nothing to appoligize for. It was your decision. You made your choice and now you will have to learn that your choices have consequences. You don't get to ask for another chance from me. You already chose her over me once, and I gave you a free pass on that one. I niavely came running back as soon as you opened your arms to me and I threw my arms around you. That was your "I'm stupid" moment. You used it. I saw it happening again and I talked to you about it...you remember what you told me? That I'm just being jealous and I need to get over it. Well, I guess you need to be carefull what you wish for. You said you deliberately negelect to call me (even though you promised you would) because you wanted me to chance and toughen up...I didn't want to do that because I don't like to be that person...but I guess you won that one. Because even though I tried to ignore the signs then, I've now closed my arms to you. I'm not going to be your back up plan who comes running any time you call. I hate being that girl and I refuse to be that girl again. I did it before. I pretended I wasnt hurt and I got past it. But then I got hurt again, and now I can make no promises. This time you are going to have to convince me to come back. This time I will have my guard up. Now I have to doubt everything you tell me. Now, I expect you to flake on me. Now I doubt anything you ever tought me. Now I'm harder. Tougher. Does it make you happy?
Because it doesn't make me happy. And while I have to be this way toward you, I'm doing my best not to let it cary over into other parts of my life. I'm doing my best not to let it affect my life, because if we are not friends, you don't get to change me. So when I see you, I'll be civil. But don't mistake that for friendship, because while I have to forgive you, I don't have to keep putting myself in the position to be hurt. You know what you'll become to me? A joke. The story I laugh with people about because laughter dulls the tears.
So congratulations. But I'm not sorry.

Not Enough

I hope you believed me when I told you that while the letter you sent is appreciated, it doesn't fix everything. You said you were taking your frustration out on me, and that's why you ignored me. Well, I guess that was kind of you in your own way, but it's still not enough. I can't live my life being mistreated by you, so you will have to work hard to earn me back. I mean, I'm there for you if I can help...but I don't get to care any more. And I'm not going to call you. If anything happens with us, it's going to have to be your effort.