Can you keep a secret?

I've never told anyone this. I'm not sure this will make it to the published blog world, because I'll probably delete it before it gets past the draft state, but I've always seen myself with a tragic love story. A man who's divorced, or me deathly ill in the hospital when we meet...something like that.

Just A Dream

Here is the music Video and Lyrics. Such a sad song. The happiness desired so much, stolen away without warning; without reason. And you wish it was all just a bad dream because maybe then you will wake up in his arms, and he can tell you that everything is okay...but it's not.

Dear Jamie...

I heard this song on a CD I borrowed (ok, so I just took it.) from my sister. I've been on a weird kick for like a year now. I really like this one, and how simple it is, and yet there's obviously been a lot of thought put into it. And it doesnt really say anything, and yet it says everything. You probably don't know this, but I'm a huge fan of questions. They can answer so much, without actually saying anything.



Dear Jamie, I've got a letter I would like to send...I have a few of those letters. Written, sealed, and sometimes stamped, but still unsent because I don't trust all the things HelloGoodbye questions. And usually that's enough. I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head, even though they go unheard.
...Although I'd really like to send them to you. I want you to know what's going on...but I don't know how to tell you, and I don't know how you'd take it. I dont seem to know anything about you any more...
And that hurts so bad.

My Place

I need to know my place in life, and how I fit in yours.
I need to know what you need, so I can fill the void.
Without this I feel confused. I freak out.
Because who I am, is who you need me to be.
And if you no longer need me, I don't know who to be.

There's a conversation we need to have, but I'm too scared to start it
Because it could begin the end of all you are to me.
I cant live without you--I don't even want to try.
But I cant stand here, while you walk away from me.
And so I'll turn and run away, to see if you miss me.

Take a Bow by Rihanna

A great song for when you are trying to be strong, even though you are in so much pain at the loss...It's always hard when you reach the point where you can't take anymore, even though you aren't nececssarily ready to let go. What else can you do, except offer a round of applause, because you realize he was so convincing he had you fooled so that even though you already knew better, you still wanted to believe him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8XC7idFyvE

Not Sorry

I'm sorry, but you made your choice, and apparently we weren't as good of friends as I thought we were--as I wanted us to be. You know what? I take that back--I'm not sorry. I did nothing to appoligize for. It was your decision. You made your choice and now you will have to learn that your choices have consequences. You don't get to ask for another chance from me. You already chose her over me once, and I gave you a free pass on that one. I niavely came running back as soon as you opened your arms to me and I threw my arms around you. That was your "I'm stupid" moment. You used it. I saw it happening again and I talked to you about it...you remember what you told me? That I'm just being jealous and I need to get over it. Well, I guess you need to be carefull what you wish for. You said you deliberately negelect to call me (even though you promised you would) because you wanted me to chance and toughen up...I didn't want to do that because I don't like to be that person...but I guess you won that one. Because even though I tried to ignore the signs then, I've now closed my arms to you. I'm not going to be your back up plan who comes running any time you call. I hate being that girl and I refuse to be that girl again. I did it before. I pretended I wasnt hurt and I got past it. But then I got hurt again, and now I can make no promises. This time you are going to have to convince me to come back. This time I will have my guard up. Now I have to doubt everything you tell me. Now, I expect you to flake on me. Now I doubt anything you ever tought me. Now I'm harder. Tougher. Does it make you happy?
Because it doesn't make me happy. And while I have to be this way toward you, I'm doing my best not to let it cary over into other parts of my life. I'm doing my best not to let it affect my life, because if we are not friends, you don't get to change me. So when I see you, I'll be civil. But don't mistake that for friendship, because while I have to forgive you, I don't have to keep putting myself in the position to be hurt. You know what you'll become to me? A joke. The story I laugh with people about because laughter dulls the tears.
So congratulations. But I'm not sorry.

Not Enough

I hope you believed me when I told you that while the letter you sent is appreciated, it doesn't fix everything. You said you were taking your frustration out on me, and that's why you ignored me. Well, I guess that was kind of you in your own way, but it's still not enough. I can't live my life being mistreated by you, so you will have to work hard to earn me back. I mean, I'm there for you if I can help...but I don't get to care any more. And I'm not going to call you. If anything happens with us, it's going to have to be your effort.

Silence

I don’t know what to do. It’s been so long that we haven’t talked, and now you don’t even call, you just send a text message. Don’t you know how much it kills me to leave things up in the air like this? I’m doing it because I thought we’d try handling the drama your way…but apparently you don’t want that. Or maybe your way is just not to be friends…And it hurts me. But I’m determined not to be the one to call you. I don’t want to be that girl who keeps coming running back to you, even though you mistreat her. I don’t want you to think that’s okay behavior. …Even though it doesn’t ease the pain I feel at the silence between us. I’m so used to talking to you every day. I’m so used to depending on you. I’m so used to you needing me. But now I feel like you never really needed me—you were just using me; because if we were friends you would have wondered where I’ve been. If we were friends you would have called even though you didn’t need anything, just talk to me. Friends don’t behave this way, or haven’t you learned that yet? I thought you had because we’ve had this argument before. Apparently you didn’t care at all. Apparently you didn’t need me so much as you needed someone. And I’m sad I wasn’t more important than that, because I know I’m special. I know I deserve better. And someday you will know that too. Sadly, I probably won’t be around then to benefit from your finally figuring that out. I’m sad I won’t be able to benefit from your understanding, but glad won’t have to suffer this pain until then. I’m hurt. And I long to pick up the phone and call you because you’re where I used to run for comfort. I long to have everything back to how it was when we were friends—the best of friends…but things can’t go back. They can never go back.
Because your text today didn’t say anything about how you missed me, or how you’re sorry you hurt me. It just asked for something you asked me to hold for you. It just demanded that I meet your time schedule. It told me how little I, the person, matter to you, and how much I am just the object you used. Just here for your convenience whenever you feel the whim to do something.
…Don’t you understand what’s going on? Can’t you see that in my silence resides my pain? I don’t have the energy to fight with you. I shouldn’t have given you this much power over me. I thought you’d appreciate the fact that someone trusts you. I thought you’d appreciate that someone wants you around. I thought you’d see how much you mean to me…but I guess not, and now I guess it’s my fault for putting all of me on your line. It’s my fault for expecting so much from you. I should have made you earn it. I’ve made that mistake twice now. It won’t happen again.

I fell in love

I fell in love with who you wanted to be
And in his arms I felt safe
But then she changed what I saw
(You gave up your goals)
And now I'm left exposed.

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. It's all so unfortunately normal.
I am a silly girl. A silly girl with a crush.
And I know that you are a boy, and that boys are foolish.
But I don't think you so naive as to be oblivious to this.
Because all was well, and I was so comfortable and confidant
In who I was and all we were.

And all my insecurities and inadequacies melted away.
But then there was a night of expectation,
And a girl who brought disappointment.
And my vision of you changed
And my personal insecurities returned.

And now I'm left trying to get over you:
The one person who's ever really managed to get in.
The one I've allowed myself to depend on.
Even when I knew I shouldn't.

And I'm sorry that you probably never knew
How special you are to me.
Or how rare our interactions have been.

How

I’m at a loss about how to make it work. I tried to do it the only way I know how….but unfortunately I failed. And now I don’t know what at do. Because I want us to be like we were. I liked who I was. I was comfortable. I was happy. But maybe I was putting too much pressure on you. I guess it doesn’t matter what I was; if it made you unhappy. You didn’t like how we were, and I don’t like how we are…If we can’t make it work then I guess there can be no us. Which is devastating—at least it is to me.
…but I guess that since you haven’t made any move to correct the situation I wasn’t that important to you…Several time before I have called you to work out our disagreements. Several times before I have tried to explain my side of the argument so you could understand. This time I thought I’d try it your way. And now it’s been almost 2 weeks since we had a real conversation. I don’t know what you want from me.
What should I do?

I'll Walk

Another country video--I'm afraid it's a growing trend for me, but I cry every time I hear this song. And it's probably because deep down inside my I really believe that's how I'll fall in love. Not in high school, but while I am suffering in the hospital with something like a serious accident or cancer. And I hope to have her attitude, as I tell those around me not to worry, because I know I'll over come it. And maybe it's just my addiction to the fairytale, but I am waiting for someone to see through what I say and the brave face I put on, and see into who I really am...and will hold me in his arms and love me anyway.

Lies

You lied to me. You told me you’d be gone for the night with your best friend. You told me you’d call me. We had plans today. But maybe you forgot all of that. You probably forgot that you gave your best friend my phone number. You probably forgot that we talk to each other now. Too bad for you. Because your best friend didn’t know that you’d lied. Your best friend didn’t go along with your story. Your best friends talk. We know all about you—did you forget that too?
Because it breaks my heart that you could do that. You used to tell me everything. I used to be able to depend on you. I tried to be understanding that you have a hard situation to deal with…but it’s been so long now. You need to stop being the victim. You need to see how much you have going for you. I can take just about anything, but not your lies. I don’t know what is going on with you, but I do know you’re not telling me everything. And I can’t understand what you don’t tell me. I wish we could be friends still. I wish we could…but I can’t. Not like this. Because you’re not being my friend when you tell me lies. You said once that you lied in order to toughen me up—but I already expect that from most people. I just don’t expect that from you. So if you are going to lie, you are going to get downgraded back to the “most people” classification. And it’s hard for me to be around you now, because I need time to figure out how to treat you now.

Did you forget how much I love you? …or maybe it should be loved…

Dreaming

They happen for me so rarely that I almost don't believe it was a dream. Or maybe it's just my desire for it to turn into reality that makes me question whether or not I was asleep last night as you wooed me in my head. Everything was so comfortable in that world, but even as it was happening, I knew it wasn't something you'd do. Much like the real last night, we went together to Wal-mart. The difference between the factual and the dream was in our physical contact. While I longed to touch you and reach out gently grazing you in both scenarios, your reaction was completely different. the one I liked better consisted of a hug, as my arms stretched around your belly, that lingered on as we walked, your right arm around my shoulders, left hand readjusting my clasped hands, then holding them in place. It felt so right; so warm; so safe. Why did we have to part? Why'd I have to wake up? And while you'll never know it, the image still resides in my head, and the feeling in my heart.

I'm still not sure if it's you or that image I've fallen in love with. But fallen, I am. And now I sit here left to wonder if the two will ever converge: the you who stands just out of reach, and the you I know will never let go. But safe and warm I long to be. Though the fear of failure and rejection is so real, and the dream only comes in the dark of night, I'm fully aware that I must step out of the artificial comfort I feel now to find something real and lasting. ...But how will you react?

Tonight I want to Cry

Video This is the link to the real video, but I couldn't embed it here.
Lyrics

Have you heard this song? It's seriously how I feel sometimes. And while crying does make things better sometimes, I know it won't make my situation any better. At least not this time, because I only like to cry in the arms of a boy, and right now I don't have a boyfriend's arms to run to. I'm sure it's hard to understand, but it's hard for me to find boyfriends. I don't know if I'm too picky, or too fearful of getting hurt that I won't let anyone in...but this will probably be a painful blog. This will probably be a place where I air my grievances--I'm not sure. We'll see what it turns into...I can't make any promises right now. I just want to say that I hope anyone who visits will feel comfortable leaving me comments, because I need all the advice I can get. (Please be kind to those who do comment because this should be a safe space. We are all in pain at some point in time--and that's when we need encouragement and constructive comments.) And I hope that maybe someone will find some comfort in knowing that they aren't alone in their suffering, because Life really Is all about Emotions, and without feeling the sad feelings, it would be rare to really fine the happy ones. I lived many years trying to avoid the drama and pain, but it is only now that I realize that is all necessary in life. There are no guarantees, and we have to take chances anyway. You gotta put yourself out there in order to truly find yourself. I hope you do that. But I also hope you know that it's okay to cry. Let it out.

Desperation

Hating the desperation I feel
as i wait for you to notice me
sitting by the phone
is something I never wanted to do
but now i find myself here

Common Courtesy

How do you feel about "common courtesy"? Do you think it is important to learn? Is it an outdated practice? Do you even know what it is? How would you have reacted in this situation:
You go to the movies with a large group of friends, and take up almost a whole row of seats in the theater. Then, as more friends show up, you all scoot over--closer to the far end of the row, where a lady and her husband are seated by the aisle. Finally, there is just one seat between your group and the lady. Needing just one more seat to fit your whole group, you ask the lady if she is saving it, or if you can use that last seat. She replies: "Um, my purse is on it." (In an unkind tone of voice.)
(Please leave answer in comments) A--You assume she is saving the seat for someone (even though no one showed up.) B--Smile big and ask if her purse bought a ticket C--Decide to just put up the arm rests and squish the extra person into the seats D--Stare at her in shocked annoyance, then procede to throw popcorn at them throughout the film. E--Other (explained in comments)

Boyfriend?

"So, there's this guy..." Isn't that how all good relationship questions begin? Well, there is. And I'm not really sure what to do about him. I can usually tell when someone likes me, but this particular John Doe is dificult. He helps me any time I need and takes good care of my car, but I'm pretty sure he does that with everyone. He also opens doors for me, and walks me to my car at the end of a night of hanging out--both things I've never seen him do for anyone else...but I dont know if he does it just because I told him to way back when I met him. If I make the effort, we'd see each other several times a week, but when I wait for his call, it seldom comes. So, here's my question: Does he like me? Or am I just vain?

Desperation

I hate how attached I get while you remain so distant.
And how much I need you to answer your phone, when you feel no need to leave a message.
I'm getting so dependent on you, I've tied my happiness into yours.
And while I'm amazed by your independence, I'm also trying to steal it
Maybe it's because I'm jealous. Maybe it's because I'm afraid you will leave me.
and I'll become once again the transition friend.
The one so eager to please she introduces you to everyone she knows.
the one so easily forgotten when you get situated in your new life.
The one so listlessly sitting alone in the corner,
where no one notices her tears, where she hides until they dry,
and then comes out with the fake smile plastered on.
A fake smile she's mastered and everyone thinks it's real.

I guess if you forgot me, it wouldn't be so bad.
I've gotten through the loneliness before.
I've spent nights crying in my pillow,
longing to feel your arms around me.
I just wish you hadn't promised me otherwise.
I wish I would have been prepared for it this time.
It's my own fault. I push people away as soon as they get too close.
I run from the loss of my freedom, and the expectations of others.
I try to walk the line between emotional extremes,
sacrificing the happiness to avoid the sadness
but this time i fell into the illusion of love.
The bliss I saw in your eyes, and felt as you protected me from danger.
the comfort I felt in your arms, and in all the skills you offered.

Just Trying to Wink

Dearest JTW,
In my struggle to be unique, I find myself falling to the weaknesses within. Knowing everyone has their expectations; their thoughts for your life; their judgements and delusions, even though they've never experienced what you've been through. I want to tell you about how impressed I've been by what I've seen, but with all the fans running constantly toward you, it's hard to stand out. If I stand back I go unnoticed, but running would blend me into them. "Them" being everything I've worked so hard to avoid. I've given up so many opportunities in life fearing to annoy you as "they" annoy me. Naturally I am not one who'll stand out in a crowd. My personality is one that must be looked for to be appreciated, because if no one looks, I fall through the cracks, and hide in the background. So, where is the median between obsession and oblivion? How do I make you see me, in the sea of faces? When will you notice that my devotion is to the true you, and not the character the rest of them seek? I've adored you from a distance, because the perfect moment for the prince to meet the peasant only comes in movies, it never happens in real life.
Waiting for your attention,
Just One In The Million

If you knew me, you'd probably never expect to see something like this on my blog...but right now, it's true. Tonight, I want to cry.

Artist - Keith Urban Album - Various Songs Lyrics - I Want To Cry Tonight

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
'All By Myself' would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

The battle between emotion and logic

torn between the adventure of loving you
and the comfort of running away.
longing for the solace only your arms can offer
but dreading the pain that lurks close by.

Innocence

No means no.
...Unless it means I dont know...
In which case, you can try.
But be subtle,
And dont get me in trouble.
Because loud mouths beg the attention
They crave for acceptance.
And I dont need
To be your exclimation.
You already have my attention
And my dreams.

Future Sweetheart, Former Lover

Last night it was "hun," and now you call me sweetheart...
But I not sure I'm comfortable with all that that entails.
Way back when we met, you didn't even see me
And then a few years later I was just your contact name--
A way to met the needs you had, then away you went so fast,
Never looking back at me, not one call returned.
So now I hear you say these words, the ones that jump my heart
And fearfully I call you friend, hesitant for the day
You turn and leave me standing here all hope shattered on the ground
Because no one sticks around these days
And promises hold no water.

But how do I look into your eyes, and kick you while you're down?
Now while you look to me for strength in all you do...
The friendship I can offer you, is so far from what you grasp
And tears would stream if I came clean to everyone I know.
My heart longs to love you; and hands long to hold yours.
But somewhere deep down I know it's not right
To offer more right now...because you aren't ready to give me all of you
There's nothing there to offer yet so I cant ask that much.
With all the things that you've been through
I wont be that girl. The one who tries to change you now
The one you'll learn to live without. The girl you'll soon regret.
(The one you'll learn to regret. The girl you'll soon forget)

Failing to Forget

Here I sit in the dead of night, undecided of what to do.
I need a change, somewhere to run, but I dont want to hide.
Unhappy with the situation I find myself in,
I search for an answer or guide.

I think I'll go away for a year, and live the life I fear.
I find a place so far from here, where I can finally be me
Away from the schools and organized crimes
I find surrounding all I see.


I'll run so far I'll forget where I am and where I was
Trying to reinvent who I've become thus far and how
But even that takes thoughts of the past
....and so my mind turns to you.

What would I do without you?

That's what I jokingly asked a friend who helped me out. His reply was more serious than even I realized at the time. "I think the question should be reversed: what would I do without you?" And while at the time I laughed it off thinking about the minute things I've done to help...but now I realize how codependent we've become... and I begin to wonder, what would you do without me? And I don't want to make you find out. So I'll do everything I can to be there for you--but I'm afraid I'm becoming too attached. ...And I worry about the ramifications of that attachment.

The Future of You

As I sit here
waiting, unaware
of what will come
i think of you.
not the you
that you are now,
but who you
can become
it's odd that
though we yet
have not met
I feel that I
Know you so well
the you that you
can someday be.

The Ghost of Me and You

When You're Gone Video

This blog has turned into songs I like. I don't know why, but I'm just going to roll with the flow.


Here is the link to Avril Lavinge's Original Video (which I am actually very impressed with), but since I can't embed that one, here's a live performance version:

I will be here

Just (you and me)

Knowing you're not here for me
There's a decision I must make
Standing with your hand in mine
A bond I hesitate to break
It's safety and comfort I crave.
The insecurity and fear
Pause me in my journey
Hindering the choice
I dont want to make
The single step I fear to take
The one that will bring tears
As I leave your side for good.

Kinda sums it all up

Music

"If I were a boy" by Beyonce
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVTyLqkez6A



and:

"Hey Now" by Augustana on "Can't love, Can't hurt"



http://www.getalyric.com/mp3/lyrics/songs/augustana-19269/can_39_t_love_can_39_t_hurt-53183/where_love_went_wrong-248737/

http://www.getalyric.com/index.php?search=either+way+i%27ll+break+your+heart+some+day%2C+augustana&criteria=all&search+lyric=go
http://www.metrolyrics.com/either-way-ill-break-your-heart-someday-lyrics-augustana.html

why didn't you tell me sooner?

Aka: unasked Questions you couldn't answer./unanswered questions i couldn't ask.

Did I expect too much?
Do I hope for too little?
What is she to U?
Why do U let her do that?
What did I do wrong?
How can U blame me?
Why can't I forget you?
You let her do it.
I think you like it (the drama).
Don't you believe me?
...don't you trust me?