What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. It's all so unfortunately normal.
I am a silly girl. A silly girl with a crush.
And I know that you are a boy, and that boys are foolish.
But I don't think you so naive as to be oblivious to this.
Because all was well, and I was so comfortable and confidant
In who I was and all we were.

And all my insecurities and inadequacies melted away.
But then there was a night of expectation,
And a girl who brought disappointment.
And my vision of you changed
And my personal insecurities returned.

And now I'm left trying to get over you:
The one person who's ever really managed to get in.
The one I've allowed myself to depend on.
Even when I knew I shouldn't.

And I'm sorry that you probably never knew
How special you are to me.
Or how rare our interactions have been.

How

I’m at a loss about how to make it work. I tried to do it the only way I know how….but unfortunately I failed. And now I don’t know what at do. Because I want us to be like we were. I liked who I was. I was comfortable. I was happy. But maybe I was putting too much pressure on you. I guess it doesn’t matter what I was; if it made you unhappy. You didn’t like how we were, and I don’t like how we are…If we can’t make it work then I guess there can be no us. Which is devastating—at least it is to me.
…but I guess that since you haven’t made any move to correct the situation I wasn’t that important to you…Several time before I have called you to work out our disagreements. Several times before I have tried to explain my side of the argument so you could understand. This time I thought I’d try it your way. And now it’s been almost 2 weeks since we had a real conversation. I don’t know what you want from me.
What should I do?

I'll Walk

Another country video--I'm afraid it's a growing trend for me, but I cry every time I hear this song. And it's probably because deep down inside my I really believe that's how I'll fall in love. Not in high school, but while I am suffering in the hospital with something like a serious accident or cancer. And I hope to have her attitude, as I tell those around me not to worry, because I know I'll over come it. And maybe it's just my addiction to the fairytale, but I am waiting for someone to see through what I say and the brave face I put on, and see into who I really am...and will hold me in his arms and love me anyway.

Lies

You lied to me. You told me you’d be gone for the night with your best friend. You told me you’d call me. We had plans today. But maybe you forgot all of that. You probably forgot that you gave your best friend my phone number. You probably forgot that we talk to each other now. Too bad for you. Because your best friend didn’t know that you’d lied. Your best friend didn’t go along with your story. Your best friends talk. We know all about you—did you forget that too?
Because it breaks my heart that you could do that. You used to tell me everything. I used to be able to depend on you. I tried to be understanding that you have a hard situation to deal with…but it’s been so long now. You need to stop being the victim. You need to see how much you have going for you. I can take just about anything, but not your lies. I don’t know what is going on with you, but I do know you’re not telling me everything. And I can’t understand what you don’t tell me. I wish we could be friends still. I wish we could…but I can’t. Not like this. Because you’re not being my friend when you tell me lies. You said once that you lied in order to toughen me up—but I already expect that from most people. I just don’t expect that from you. So if you are going to lie, you are going to get downgraded back to the “most people” classification. And it’s hard for me to be around you now, because I need time to figure out how to treat you now.

Did you forget how much I love you? …or maybe it should be loved…

Dreaming

They happen for me so rarely that I almost don't believe it was a dream. Or maybe it's just my desire for it to turn into reality that makes me question whether or not I was asleep last night as you wooed me in my head. Everything was so comfortable in that world, but even as it was happening, I knew it wasn't something you'd do. Much like the real last night, we went together to Wal-mart. The difference between the factual and the dream was in our physical contact. While I longed to touch you and reach out gently grazing you in both scenarios, your reaction was completely different. the one I liked better consisted of a hug, as my arms stretched around your belly, that lingered on as we walked, your right arm around my shoulders, left hand readjusting my clasped hands, then holding them in place. It felt so right; so warm; so safe. Why did we have to part? Why'd I have to wake up? And while you'll never know it, the image still resides in my head, and the feeling in my heart.

I'm still not sure if it's you or that image I've fallen in love with. But fallen, I am. And now I sit here left to wonder if the two will ever converge: the you who stands just out of reach, and the you I know will never let go. But safe and warm I long to be. Though the fear of failure and rejection is so real, and the dream only comes in the dark of night, I'm fully aware that I must step out of the artificial comfort I feel now to find something real and lasting. ...But how will you react?

Tonight I want to Cry

Video This is the link to the real video, but I couldn't embed it here.
Lyrics

Have you heard this song? It's seriously how I feel sometimes. And while crying does make things better sometimes, I know it won't make my situation any better. At least not this time, because I only like to cry in the arms of a boy, and right now I don't have a boyfriend's arms to run to. I'm sure it's hard to understand, but it's hard for me to find boyfriends. I don't know if I'm too picky, or too fearful of getting hurt that I won't let anyone in...but this will probably be a painful blog. This will probably be a place where I air my grievances--I'm not sure. We'll see what it turns into...I can't make any promises right now. I just want to say that I hope anyone who visits will feel comfortable leaving me comments, because I need all the advice I can get. (Please be kind to those who do comment because this should be a safe space. We are all in pain at some point in time--and that's when we need encouragement and constructive comments.) And I hope that maybe someone will find some comfort in knowing that they aren't alone in their suffering, because Life really Is all about Emotions, and without feeling the sad feelings, it would be rare to really fine the happy ones. I lived many years trying to avoid the drama and pain, but it is only now that I realize that is all necessary in life. There are no guarantees, and we have to take chances anyway. You gotta put yourself out there in order to truly find yourself. I hope you do that. But I also hope you know that it's okay to cry. Let it out.

Desperation

Hating the desperation I feel
as i wait for you to notice me
sitting by the phone
is something I never wanted to do
but now i find myself here