Desperation

I hate how attached I get while you remain so distant.
And how much I need you to answer your phone, when you feel no need to leave a message.
I'm getting so dependent on you, I've tied my happiness into yours.
And while I'm amazed by your independence, I'm also trying to steal it
Maybe it's because I'm jealous. Maybe it's because I'm afraid you will leave me.
and I'll become once again the transition friend.
The one so eager to please she introduces you to everyone she knows.
the one so easily forgotten when you get situated in your new life.
The one so listlessly sitting alone in the corner,
where no one notices her tears, where she hides until they dry,
and then comes out with the fake smile plastered on.
A fake smile she's mastered and everyone thinks it's real.

I guess if you forgot me, it wouldn't be so bad.
I've gotten through the loneliness before.
I've spent nights crying in my pillow,
longing to feel your arms around me.
I just wish you hadn't promised me otherwise.
I wish I would have been prepared for it this time.
It's my own fault. I push people away as soon as they get too close.
I run from the loss of my freedom, and the expectations of others.
I try to walk the line between emotional extremes,
sacrificing the happiness to avoid the sadness
but this time i fell into the illusion of love.
The bliss I saw in your eyes, and felt as you protected me from danger.
the comfort I felt in your arms, and in all the skills you offered.

Just Trying to Wink

Dearest JTW,
In my struggle to be unique, I find myself falling to the weaknesses within. Knowing everyone has their expectations; their thoughts for your life; their judgements and delusions, even though they've never experienced what you've been through. I want to tell you about how impressed I've been by what I've seen, but with all the fans running constantly toward you, it's hard to stand out. If I stand back I go unnoticed, but running would blend me into them. "Them" being everything I've worked so hard to avoid. I've given up so many opportunities in life fearing to annoy you as "they" annoy me. Naturally I am not one who'll stand out in a crowd. My personality is one that must be looked for to be appreciated, because if no one looks, I fall through the cracks, and hide in the background. So, where is the median between obsession and oblivion? How do I make you see me, in the sea of faces? When will you notice that my devotion is to the true you, and not the character the rest of them seek? I've adored you from a distance, because the perfect moment for the prince to meet the peasant only comes in movies, it never happens in real life.
Waiting for your attention,
Just One In The Million

If you knew me, you'd probably never expect to see something like this on my blog...but right now, it's true. Tonight, I want to cry.

Artist - Keith Urban Album - Various Songs Lyrics - I Want To Cry Tonight

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
'All By Myself' would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

The battle between emotion and logic

torn between the adventure of loving you
and the comfort of running away.
longing for the solace only your arms can offer
but dreading the pain that lurks close by.

Innocence

No means no.
...Unless it means I dont know...
In which case, you can try.
But be subtle,
And dont get me in trouble.
Because loud mouths beg the attention
They crave for acceptance.
And I dont need
To be your exclimation.
You already have my attention
And my dreams.

Future Sweetheart, Former Lover

Last night it was "hun," and now you call me sweetheart...
But I not sure I'm comfortable with all that that entails.
Way back when we met, you didn't even see me
And then a few years later I was just your contact name--
A way to met the needs you had, then away you went so fast,
Never looking back at me, not one call returned.
So now I hear you say these words, the ones that jump my heart
And fearfully I call you friend, hesitant for the day
You turn and leave me standing here all hope shattered on the ground
Because no one sticks around these days
And promises hold no water.

But how do I look into your eyes, and kick you while you're down?
Now while you look to me for strength in all you do...
The friendship I can offer you, is so far from what you grasp
And tears would stream if I came clean to everyone I know.
My heart longs to love you; and hands long to hold yours.
But somewhere deep down I know it's not right
To offer more right now...because you aren't ready to give me all of you
There's nothing there to offer yet so I cant ask that much.
With all the things that you've been through
I wont be that girl. The one who tries to change you now
The one you'll learn to live without. The girl you'll soon regret.
(The one you'll learn to regret. The girl you'll soon forget)

Failing to Forget

Here I sit in the dead of night, undecided of what to do.
I need a change, somewhere to run, but I dont want to hide.
Unhappy with the situation I find myself in,
I search for an answer or guide.

I think I'll go away for a year, and live the life I fear.
I find a place so far from here, where I can finally be me
Away from the schools and organized crimes
I find surrounding all I see.


I'll run so far I'll forget where I am and where I was
Trying to reinvent who I've become thus far and how
But even that takes thoughts of the past
....and so my mind turns to you.