Us?

You want it to be like it was. You want us to be like we were. But unfortunately I don't know how to do that. I don't really know how we got there in the first place. I don't have many close friends--you've probably noticed that...well, maybe you actually haven't, but I'm one of those mentally unstable people with insecurities and delusions of paranoia and conspiracy. For whatever reason I didn't have that towards you before. ...Now that's all I can think about when I think of you. I thought I was special to you, and I tried my hardest to be there for you in everything you needed. ...but now all I can think is that I'm not that special to you. And I can't forget that. I can't act like nothing happened. And I think the hardest thing to get over is the fact that you don't seem to realize that I have the right to be upset about this. I got over it once. I picked up our friendship where it left off after you picked someone else over me. I asked nothing of you. but when it started happening again I told you my fears, and you told me i was over reacting...but you still failed to call me. You had her back in your life, so why would you need me? You told me I was wrong, but your actions said differently. You didn't validate my feelings and I'm not sure that's something i can get over. so what happens now? ...I'll miss you, and it'll be very hard...but i think i have to ignore you and move on. I'm so bad at that, and it will hurt bad; but this hurts too.

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Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowper

Immature

I'm making stupid choices I thought I'd outgrown. I'm too old to be doing these things, so why am I doing it? ...partly a lack of personal effort in edification...partly a need to feel accepted and wanted...partly a desire to be young and carefree...partly-I don't know--a lack of feeling because I've already been numbed by the other pains.
I know that I shouldn't want to but I no longer know why/want to avoid it....and my only excuse to avoid the situation is a selfish desire to avoid the physical consequences, although even that is not much motivation.
If self control is a muscle, mine has been stretched and strained to the point that I can no longer use it. So what can I do to avoid stupid mistakes? Correct them?
And what if it's too late?

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She went her unremembering way,
She went and left in me
The pang of all the partings gone,
And partings yet to be.
~Francis Thompson

Walk the Line

I've never been good at finding the line...Such is the case here. I feel wronged and I feel it should be corrected but am I incorrect? should I appologize and risk being wronged again? Or hold a grudge and risk becoming bitter?
How do you know if a relationship is worth being fixed vs. one that is abusing and toxic and needs to be terminated?

Maybe you are intentionally screwing me over, but maybe you are just reacting to my withdrawl from the situation. ...so what do I do?

And mybe I am just jealous...so what happens now? I don't know how to take a step backward...So I guess we aren't friends. And that is devistating. I loved how accepting you were, and I'm going to miss it. But I can't function if I always have to think "What's she got that I don't?" "Why aren't I good enough?" I don't want to be second place, and I can't watch from the sidelines, just waiting foryou to notice me, then go running into your arms.
...and I have a secret I can't trust you with, so how can I cry in your arms without explaining why? I can't.
I don't know how to fix this but I don't know where else to turn

Can you keep a secret?

I've never told anyone this. I'm not sure this will make it to the published blog world, because I'll probably delete it before it gets past the draft state, but I've always seen myself with a tragic love story. A man who's divorced, or me deathly ill in the hospital when we meet...something like that.

Just A Dream

Here is the music Video and Lyrics. Such a sad song. The happiness desired so much, stolen away without warning; without reason. And you wish it was all just a bad dream because maybe then you will wake up in his arms, and he can tell you that everything is okay...but it's not.

Dear Jamie...

I heard this song on a CD I borrowed (ok, so I just took it.) from my sister. I've been on a weird kick for like a year now. I really like this one, and how simple it is, and yet there's obviously been a lot of thought put into it. And it doesnt really say anything, and yet it says everything. You probably don't know this, but I'm a huge fan of questions. They can answer so much, without actually saying anything.



Dear Jamie, I've got a letter I would like to send...I have a few of those letters. Written, sealed, and sometimes stamped, but still unsent because I don't trust all the things HelloGoodbye questions. And usually that's enough. I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head, even though they go unheard.
...Although I'd really like to send them to you. I want you to know what's going on...but I don't know how to tell you, and I don't know how you'd take it. I dont seem to know anything about you any more...
And that hurts so bad.

My Place

I need to know my place in life, and how I fit in yours.
I need to know what you need, so I can fill the void.
Without this I feel confused. I freak out.
Because who I am, is who you need me to be.
And if you no longer need me, I don't know who to be.

There's a conversation we need to have, but I'm too scared to start it
Because it could begin the end of all you are to me.
I cant live without you--I don't even want to try.
But I cant stand here, while you walk away from me.
And so I'll turn and run away, to see if you miss me.