Regarding my number 1 rule

Ok. Here is my commitment: I will initiate no contact. I will resist responding to his contact. I will stay busy so as to avoid thinking about him. I will allow myself to find that relationship I thought was unique with other people--I will not allow myself to become that dependent on one person again. I will be sociability nice, but distant. I will be mature.

It's so sad that I cant stay away from you. It's so hard to feel this need to be held, and know that the one person I could turn to, is also the one person I am trying to avoid. I want to run to you, and I keep trying...but I'm too stubborn to say I need you, and not strong enough to turn away. Instead I just make it worse by contacting you incessantly. I need to stop. I'm trying to stop.

The Great Debate

I can accept that you have a girlfriend, and I can accept that it is not me. But in order for that to happen, you have to tell me about her. I could even accpet her telling you not to be friends with me. It would suck, but I can accept us not being friends because we havent really been friends in quite a while. What I cannot accpet is you letting her talk badly of me. What I cannot accept is you treating me like your backup plan. If you would rather spend time with her, say that instead of making up some bull shit story about being busy and tired. And don't call me when she backs out on you because I am not just going to sit around and wait for you. ...except that I probably will, because so far that's all I have done. Wait for you to pull your head out of your ass and see things as I see them. I am trying to act like a grown up and remain friends, but maybe the more grown up thing to do is to cut off all contact with a relationship that is toxic.

Dear Lover,

I've got a lot that I would like to say.
Its hard to write down all I have down deep within my mind.
How to write these wordless thoughts
that all blend and then conflict?

I miss you--I'm sure it sounds odd when you're here with me.
It's more the memory of who together we used to be.
Please tell me, how'd we get
to where I now long to be?

Every day I did my best to meet your every need, my dear love
At the time I thought that that would be enough for you.

Dear Lover, All I have left now it is just a shell
I've lost now, everything I once had to give to you.
It's no shock you wouldn't want this empty case
That once housed the one you hugged.
That girl you helped me be
Is long gone now, 'cause you see
You've stopped lifting me

Every day I did my best to meet your every need, my dear love
At the time I thought that that would be enough for you.
Every day I did my best to meet your every need, my dear love
At the time I thought that that would be enough for you.

Gave you all I had
Now there's nothing left
I hope you understand
It's not my fault--It's yours.

Another verse?
I loved when, the two of us were comfortable-all curled up on the couch where no one disturbed us. The time when I trusted you and all you promised me, and you wanted me enough to send those roses.
Signed: Sincerely, me

Us?

You want it to be like it was. You want us to be like we were. But unfortunately I don't know how to do that. I don't really know how we got there in the first place. I don't have many close friends--you've probably noticed that...well, maybe you actually haven't, but I'm one of those mentally unstable people with insecurities and delusions of paranoia and conspiracy. For whatever reason I didn't have that towards you before. ...Now that's all I can think about when I think of you. I thought I was special to you, and I tried my hardest to be there for you in everything you needed. ...but now all I can think is that I'm not that special to you. And I can't forget that. I can't act like nothing happened. And I think the hardest thing to get over is the fact that you don't seem to realize that I have the right to be upset about this. I got over it once. I picked up our friendship where it left off after you picked someone else over me. I asked nothing of you. but when it started happening again I told you my fears, and you told me i was over reacting...but you still failed to call me. You had her back in your life, so why would you need me? You told me I was wrong, but your actions said differently. You didn't validate my feelings and I'm not sure that's something i can get over. so what happens now? ...I'll miss you, and it'll be very hard...but i think i have to ignore you and move on. I'm so bad at that, and it will hurt bad; but this hurts too.

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Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowper

Immature

I'm making stupid choices I thought I'd outgrown. I'm too old to be doing these things, so why am I doing it? ...partly a lack of personal effort in edification...partly a need to feel accepted and wanted...partly a desire to be young and carefree...partly-I don't know--a lack of feeling because I've already been numbed by the other pains.
I know that I shouldn't want to but I no longer know why/want to avoid it....and my only excuse to avoid the situation is a selfish desire to avoid the physical consequences, although even that is not much motivation.
If self control is a muscle, mine has been stretched and strained to the point that I can no longer use it. So what can I do to avoid stupid mistakes? Correct them?
And what if it's too late?

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She went her unremembering way,
She went and left in me
The pang of all the partings gone,
And partings yet to be.
~Francis Thompson