Dear Jamie...

I heard this song on a CD I borrowed (ok, so I just took it.) from my sister. I've been on a weird kick for like a year now. I really like this one, and how simple it is, and yet there's obviously been a lot of thought put into it. And it doesnt really say anything, and yet it says everything. You probably don't know this, but I'm a huge fan of questions. They can answer so much, without actually saying anything.



Dear Jamie, I've got a letter I would like to send...I have a few of those letters. Written, sealed, and sometimes stamped, but still unsent because I don't trust all the things HelloGoodbye questions. And usually that's enough. I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head, even though they go unheard.
...Although I'd really like to send them to you. I want you to know what's going on...but I don't know how to tell you, and I don't know how you'd take it. I dont seem to know anything about you any more...
And that hurts so bad.

My Place

I need to know my place in life, and how I fit in yours.
I need to know what you need, so I can fill the void.
Without this I feel confused. I freak out.
Because who I am, is who you need me to be.
And if you no longer need me, I don't know who to be.

There's a conversation we need to have, but I'm too scared to start it
Because it could begin the end of all you are to me.
I cant live without you--I don't even want to try.
But I cant stand here, while you walk away from me.
And so I'll turn and run away, to see if you miss me.

Take a Bow by Rihanna

A great song for when you are trying to be strong, even though you are in so much pain at the loss...It's always hard when you reach the point where you can't take anymore, even though you aren't nececssarily ready to let go. What else can you do, except offer a round of applause, because you realize he was so convincing he had you fooled so that even though you already knew better, you still wanted to believe him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8XC7idFyvE

Not Sorry

I'm sorry, but you made your choice, and apparently we weren't as good of friends as I thought we were--as I wanted us to be. You know what? I take that back--I'm not sorry. I did nothing to appoligize for. It was your decision. You made your choice and now you will have to learn that your choices have consequences. You don't get to ask for another chance from me. You already chose her over me once, and I gave you a free pass on that one. I niavely came running back as soon as you opened your arms to me and I threw my arms around you. That was your "I'm stupid" moment. You used it. I saw it happening again and I talked to you about it...you remember what you told me? That I'm just being jealous and I need to get over it. Well, I guess you need to be carefull what you wish for. You said you deliberately negelect to call me (even though you promised you would) because you wanted me to chance and toughen up...I didn't want to do that because I don't like to be that person...but I guess you won that one. Because even though I tried to ignore the signs then, I've now closed my arms to you. I'm not going to be your back up plan who comes running any time you call. I hate being that girl and I refuse to be that girl again. I did it before. I pretended I wasnt hurt and I got past it. But then I got hurt again, and now I can make no promises. This time you are going to have to convince me to come back. This time I will have my guard up. Now I have to doubt everything you tell me. Now, I expect you to flake on me. Now I doubt anything you ever tought me. Now I'm harder. Tougher. Does it make you happy?
Because it doesn't make me happy. And while I have to be this way toward you, I'm doing my best not to let it cary over into other parts of my life. I'm doing my best not to let it affect my life, because if we are not friends, you don't get to change me. So when I see you, I'll be civil. But don't mistake that for friendship, because while I have to forgive you, I don't have to keep putting myself in the position to be hurt. You know what you'll become to me? A joke. The story I laugh with people about because laughter dulls the tears.
So congratulations. But I'm not sorry.

Not Enough

I hope you believed me when I told you that while the letter you sent is appreciated, it doesn't fix everything. You said you were taking your frustration out on me, and that's why you ignored me. Well, I guess that was kind of you in your own way, but it's still not enough. I can't live my life being mistreated by you, so you will have to work hard to earn me back. I mean, I'm there for you if I can help...but I don't get to care any more. And I'm not going to call you. If anything happens with us, it's going to have to be your effort.

Silence

I don’t know what to do. It’s been so long that we haven’t talked, and now you don’t even call, you just send a text message. Don’t you know how much it kills me to leave things up in the air like this? I’m doing it because I thought we’d try handling the drama your way…but apparently you don’t want that. Or maybe your way is just not to be friends…And it hurts me. But I’m determined not to be the one to call you. I don’t want to be that girl who keeps coming running back to you, even though you mistreat her. I don’t want you to think that’s okay behavior. …Even though it doesn’t ease the pain I feel at the silence between us. I’m so used to talking to you every day. I’m so used to depending on you. I’m so used to you needing me. But now I feel like you never really needed me—you were just using me; because if we were friends you would have wondered where I’ve been. If we were friends you would have called even though you didn’t need anything, just talk to me. Friends don’t behave this way, or haven’t you learned that yet? I thought you had because we’ve had this argument before. Apparently you didn’t care at all. Apparently you didn’t need me so much as you needed someone. And I’m sad I wasn’t more important than that, because I know I’m special. I know I deserve better. And someday you will know that too. Sadly, I probably won’t be around then to benefit from your finally figuring that out. I’m sad I won’t be able to benefit from your understanding, but glad won’t have to suffer this pain until then. I’m hurt. And I long to pick up the phone and call you because you’re where I used to run for comfort. I long to have everything back to how it was when we were friends—the best of friends…but things can’t go back. They can never go back.
Because your text today didn’t say anything about how you missed me, or how you’re sorry you hurt me. It just asked for something you asked me to hold for you. It just demanded that I meet your time schedule. It told me how little I, the person, matter to you, and how much I am just the object you used. Just here for your convenience whenever you feel the whim to do something.
…Don’t you understand what’s going on? Can’t you see that in my silence resides my pain? I don’t have the energy to fight with you. I shouldn’t have given you this much power over me. I thought you’d appreciate the fact that someone trusts you. I thought you’d appreciate that someone wants you around. I thought you’d see how much you mean to me…but I guess not, and now I guess it’s my fault for putting all of me on your line. It’s my fault for expecting so much from you. I should have made you earn it. I’ve made that mistake twice now. It won’t happen again.

I fell in love

I fell in love with who you wanted to be
And in his arms I felt safe
But then she changed what I saw
(You gave up your goals)
And now I'm left exposed.

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. It's all so unfortunately normal.
I am a silly girl. A silly girl with a crush.
And I know that you are a boy, and that boys are foolish.
But I don't think you so naive as to be oblivious to this.
Because all was well, and I was so comfortable and confidant
In who I was and all we were.

And all my insecurities and inadequacies melted away.
But then there was a night of expectation,
And a girl who brought disappointment.
And my vision of you changed
And my personal insecurities returned.

And now I'm left trying to get over you:
The one person who's ever really managed to get in.
The one I've allowed myself to depend on.
Even when I knew I shouldn't.

And I'm sorry that you probably never knew
How special you are to me.
Or how rare our interactions have been.

How

I’m at a loss about how to make it work. I tried to do it the only way I know how….but unfortunately I failed. And now I don’t know what at do. Because I want us to be like we were. I liked who I was. I was comfortable. I was happy. But maybe I was putting too much pressure on you. I guess it doesn’t matter what I was; if it made you unhappy. You didn’t like how we were, and I don’t like how we are…If we can’t make it work then I guess there can be no us. Which is devastating—at least it is to me.
…but I guess that since you haven’t made any move to correct the situation I wasn’t that important to you…Several time before I have called you to work out our disagreements. Several times before I have tried to explain my side of the argument so you could understand. This time I thought I’d try it your way. And now it’s been almost 2 weeks since we had a real conversation. I don’t know what you want from me.
What should I do?

I'll Walk

Another country video--I'm afraid it's a growing trend for me, but I cry every time I hear this song. And it's probably because deep down inside my I really believe that's how I'll fall in love. Not in high school, but while I am suffering in the hospital with something like a serious accident or cancer. And I hope to have her attitude, as I tell those around me not to worry, because I know I'll over come it. And maybe it's just my addiction to the fairytale, but I am waiting for someone to see through what I say and the brave face I put on, and see into who I really am...and will hold me in his arms and love me anyway.

Lies

You lied to me. You told me you’d be gone for the night with your best friend. You told me you’d call me. We had plans today. But maybe you forgot all of that. You probably forgot that you gave your best friend my phone number. You probably forgot that we talk to each other now. Too bad for you. Because your best friend didn’t know that you’d lied. Your best friend didn’t go along with your story. Your best friends talk. We know all about you—did you forget that too?
Because it breaks my heart that you could do that. You used to tell me everything. I used to be able to depend on you. I tried to be understanding that you have a hard situation to deal with…but it’s been so long now. You need to stop being the victim. You need to see how much you have going for you. I can take just about anything, but not your lies. I don’t know what is going on with you, but I do know you’re not telling me everything. And I can’t understand what you don’t tell me. I wish we could be friends still. I wish we could…but I can’t. Not like this. Because you’re not being my friend when you tell me lies. You said once that you lied in order to toughen me up—but I already expect that from most people. I just don’t expect that from you. So if you are going to lie, you are going to get downgraded back to the “most people” classification. And it’s hard for me to be around you now, because I need time to figure out how to treat you now.

Did you forget how much I love you? …or maybe it should be loved…