Dreaming

They happen for me so rarely that I almost don't believe it was a dream. Or maybe it's just my desire for it to turn into reality that makes me question whether or not I was asleep last night as you wooed me in my head. Everything was so comfortable in that world, but even as it was happening, I knew it wasn't something you'd do. Much like the real last night, we went together to Wal-mart. The difference between the factual and the dream was in our physical contact. While I longed to touch you and reach out gently grazing you in both scenarios, your reaction was completely different. the one I liked better consisted of a hug, as my arms stretched around your belly, that lingered on as we walked, your right arm around my shoulders, left hand readjusting my clasped hands, then holding them in place. It felt so right; so warm; so safe. Why did we have to part? Why'd I have to wake up? And while you'll never know it, the image still resides in my head, and the feeling in my heart.

I'm still not sure if it's you or that image I've fallen in love with. But fallen, I am. And now I sit here left to wonder if the two will ever converge: the you who stands just out of reach, and the you I know will never let go. But safe and warm I long to be. Though the fear of failure and rejection is so real, and the dream only comes in the dark of night, I'm fully aware that I must step out of the artificial comfort I feel now to find something real and lasting. ...But how will you react?

Tonight I want to Cry

Video This is the link to the real video, but I couldn't embed it here.
Lyrics

Have you heard this song? It's seriously how I feel sometimes. And while crying does make things better sometimes, I know it won't make my situation any better. At least not this time, because I only like to cry in the arms of a boy, and right now I don't have a boyfriend's arms to run to. I'm sure it's hard to understand, but it's hard for me to find boyfriends. I don't know if I'm too picky, or too fearful of getting hurt that I won't let anyone in...but this will probably be a painful blog. This will probably be a place where I air my grievances--I'm not sure. We'll see what it turns into...I can't make any promises right now. I just want to say that I hope anyone who visits will feel comfortable leaving me comments, because I need all the advice I can get. (Please be kind to those who do comment because this should be a safe space. We are all in pain at some point in time--and that's when we need encouragement and constructive comments.) And I hope that maybe someone will find some comfort in knowing that they aren't alone in their suffering, because Life really Is all about Emotions, and without feeling the sad feelings, it would be rare to really fine the happy ones. I lived many years trying to avoid the drama and pain, but it is only now that I realize that is all necessary in life. There are no guarantees, and we have to take chances anyway. You gotta put yourself out there in order to truly find yourself. I hope you do that. But I also hope you know that it's okay to cry. Let it out.

Desperation

Hating the desperation I feel
as i wait for you to notice me
sitting by the phone
is something I never wanted to do
but now i find myself here