Deep desires learned in an awkward moment.

I realized today something I've forgotten. As one hand extended two arms were opened and thus the moment began. The handshake offered was accepted with a hug while the awkward hand was left to explain to the body that change must come. The arms came up, but too slowly to do the traditional over/under hug. the head was straight and nose pressed to chest as arms wound around waist. And as one awkward person struggled to adjust, another person held tight, masking the unease and exuding comfort.

And that's when I realized how much I miss hugs. The all enveloping arms that hold you tight in your moments of trauma. The hugs lovers share when the words "good-bye" are too hard. The celebratory hug that comes with the results' revealing. The hugs that keep you warm in the cold wind's path. Arms that wrap around you and lips kissing your forehead as your eyes close to breathe it all in. These are the dreams that haunt my head as eyelids close and sleep creeps near, or in longing looks at others.

This is the dream I fear will never arrive.

Sometimes I want to Quit

each time i'm late
or forget the true race
i know the needed strength
can pour down from above
but sometimes i want to quit.

i look around at all that they do
and remember how little i've done
overwhelmed with how thin i'm spread
feeling out of place where i should belong
and sometimes i want to quit.

forget the stress and find the fun
a place to blend and not stand out
to run away and leave it all
to run so fast i miss the fall (crash)
yes, sometimes I want to quit.

* but then i remember

hidden

Amazing how many things, are not what they seem (as they seem)
As people struggle to hide, all weakness inside
standing tall, head high. hoping no one sees the lie.
each day improving, step by painful step
hard work and dedication makes the journey no vacation
feeling like a solitary climber, stranded in late December
but now with open eyes, i see the crown and hear the cries.

Your Pedestal

Watching you fall
off the pedestal i built (you)
and pulling my heart down (too)

A shattering crash
and a mess left beneath you
you've rebounded quickly
shaking off the dust that is me
as I lie longing for you.
Unable to pull myself together
but knowing that no one else will
i fumble along incomplete.


*at a glance you seemed strong
full of wisdom and maturity
making each choice well.
and so quickly up you went.
but each step that i took
in your general (specific) direction
showed me a flaw I'd ignored.

Waiting

Do you know how hard it is for me to sit here waiting? Watching you from a distance, as you confide in me about all your dates and desires. It forces me to keep locked down deep all that I wish for us. I want to cry and run to your arms, but I know you wont hold me. I know you'd run away if you knew all that I want from you. You'd cut all ties as I've seen you do with all the loves before. But I can't afford to lose you. If we couldn't talk, who'd I turn to when all the world's my foe? When all I see is you and me, and how intertwined we are. If you were to go, you'd take part of me, and I'd be left incomplete. And all the inadequacies I feel now, would be made even worse, because you alone make me feel my value.

But today we had plans and I was on my way when you called. You made arrangements with your other friend and right away I knew. Your friend is the key that will lock me away and hold me there for a while. making me wait for the "love" that you have, as you whisper sweet nothings to me. whispers of him and her all alone, and asking what step to take next. I knew right away and I should have run, but instead I agreed to wait. Hoping you'd someday notice all that I could be, if only you'd help me grow. Why cant there be a you and me, instead of me and you and them? I know that I'm flawed, and have much to learn, but for you I do my best. and here I sit, watching you chase another who has all of the things you hate, but the face of of one who belongs on the screen. when will you learn that what you want isn't this? will you ever decide that I'm who you need? will you ever come tell me about myself? Ask for my advice on what step to take in gaining my love forever? Probably not. but here I'll remain, hoping in vain. too scared to walk away.

Great?

It took leaving the city
to see what was there
more to see
means more to miss
and so it was with you.
Take you out of the spot light
away from the crowds
far from distractions
and thats where you shine.

You are like the small star
that hides from the moon,
unaware of the greatness
you hold within.
While moons are like mirrors
reflecting what's recieved
you create light
that shines all around
but humbly you let him glow.

You remain in the distance
offering just a little view
blending into the crowd
and no body knew
that you were the brightest
most powerful star
letting others shine,
you helped from behind
and that was enough.

Waiting

What do you do when all you can do is wait?
Knowing something must change but not knowing what
Is a feeling I get more than I should.
Why do I feel so lost in the middle,
When there are so many paths laid out before me?