Make it stop

I wonder how you make yourself stop caring for someone...Like, I still want to check on you...but it's obvious you don't want it...So what do I do? I am so not good at being mean to people, but at the same time I know that if we did talk, I'd have a hard time being nice to you because there is so much hostility and anger and pain between us.

It's funny because I was fine as long as I didn't think about you...but then when I do, I can't stop. I'm obsessed. It's bad. Ever since I got that call, it seems like this is my thought process: 

1:00  get call that you aren't ok*
1:04  I get the pang of desire to call you and tell you I care
1:07  tell myself that is inappropriate because you don't care what I think
1:10  try to convince myself that (based on the past) calling you = bad idea
1:33  think that I should call you because you desirve someone on your side
1:35  remember how upset I am with you
1:38  I don't want you to think I'll keep running to you after your disrespect
1:40  recommit myself to resist calling you

That lasts for about 3.7 minutes, then one of two things happens:  I get distracted doing whatever I was supposed to be doing when this whole process started; or I give in and actually call you, but you ignore my call after 2 rings and then never call back--this only happens every once in a while, but either way it only takes 10 or 15 or 20 minutes before I start the whole process again. What's wrong with me?

Seriously, though, what's wrong with me?



*obviously this one doesn't happen every hour...